Microsoft Excel for Poets

A few days ago Dave, Andrew, Janelle and I were discussing books that we would each be inclined and/or qualified to write. In light of my recent adventures with poetry, Andrew observed that I was uniquely poised to write the reference book Microsoft Excel for Poets. I'm sure such a book has not previously been written. I think it could be an invaluable reference for the poetically inclined, so today I commenced writing. Here's what I've got so far:

Introduction

‘Tis the purpose of this unusual book
The magnificence of Excel to teach,
So that things which for thee a long time took
Henceforth a little time instead might take.

The aud’ence for whom this book is intent
Shall be whosoever finds that prose be dull.
For to assuage the pain and dread of learning
The lessons be writ with words so soothing.

Excel is quite a powerful program,
With nuances and features quite a few.
Some time it will take to master it quite;
With patience born thou wilt betimes learn’t all.

I prithee go slow to master each verse:
Rush thee too quick and frustrated thou’lt be.
Each section read, then pause thee short betwixt
Forthwith to practice all that thou hast learnt.

But soft give heed: Excel can be quite fun.
Fain be not lachrymose in study then—
Instead forsooth enjoy the time thus spent.
Good fortune have thee on thy journey hence.

Chapter 1: Navigating Excel

...

Chapter 3: Functions

Fore now we've focused on navigation
To get a feel of moving ‘round Excel.
Then formatting of cells did take our focus—
On these two topics did we perorate.

Thus in former twain chapters did we stay
Alee of complexity but also puissance.
Now don’t be affrighted for we did lay
Foundations upon which to build henceforth.

Now turn we to matters of import amain:
The structure and usage of functions galore.
Of true power and substance we’ll verily speak
For striving herein t’will bring thee great meed.

To commence most simply we’ll learn how to add,
So find thee a cell with nothing therein
And pick thee two numbers thou will to sum—
Then watch with great awe as Excel doth work.

An equals type thee, then one number meet,
A plus put thee in, then t’other number lief.
Press enter and view th’answer forthwith;
Display there it shall, whosoever wilt look.

For sooth ifsoever thy numbers be changed,
Adjust t’will the answer also straightway.
See computers read this language thou spake
So answers it when thou typest it in.

More functions we have henceforth to explore
For only the surface we’ve scratched hereon.
Now pause thee short, to practice here a mite
And then shalt thou try subtracting alike.

...

Still got a ways to go before publishing, but I think it's off to a great start. This could be the start of a whole For Poets series:

• Microsoft Word for Poets
• Surfing the Internet for Poets
• Pie Baking for Poets
• Pre-Calculus for Poets
• Blogging for Poets
• Insurance Risk for Poets
  
• Basic Computer Repair for Poets
• Probability Theory for Poets
• Introductory Quantum Physics for Poets
• Basic Poker Theory for Poets
• Database Design for Poets
• Monopolistic Price Theory for Poets
  

If they sell well, I might never have to work again.

Catching Rain

According to the New York Times today, it's now legal to catch and use rainwater in Colorado on land that you own. But you still need a permit or you risk being fined. Incidentally, that is still not the case in Utah. In Utah collecting rainwater is still illegal.

My First Attempt at Poetry

I just purchased Hamlet a couple of days ago and am inviting people over to watch it this week. I've seen excerpts from a number of film versions of Hamlet and seen a couple all the way through. From everything I've seen so far, the one I like the best is the Kenneth Branagh version released in 1996. That's the one I bought and that we'll be watching.

When I started making the Facebook event on Saturday to invite people over I decided it'd be really cool to write the description in Shakespearean style. So after hours of looking up words, thinking, and writing on Saturday and Sunday, I have my first attempt at blank verse:

Come, I beseech thee, and sequacious be,
And fain aside thy dreary labors lay.
For an evening hence we shall display
The tragic story of young Hamlet prince.

Methinks the show four hours shall run,
Howbeit pause we and some refreshment take.
I shall some dish of culinary art prepare
And twain shall we partake therein and thr'out.

If it thy desire be, an off'ring shalt thou bring—
For then from thence we haply shall indulge
And betwixt us all a feast we'll make thereby;
Thus on the sweetness of much snackage dine.

Come hither to meet ere seven o'clock,
For straitly we shall start forthwith.
I prithee thus that prompt ye be,
Soas to end afore the witching hour strike.

Therefore straightway set thy mind to attend,
For I palter not, and again implore thee:
Decide anon and set thy mind to come
And repugn thee not then mine entreaty.

I have always considered poetry beyond my personal ability. Perhaps I need to revise my perspective and make more attempts. Ultimately I would like to write a poem about the clouds. But that's probably pretty far down the road. First I've got to make something rhyme.

Special thanks to Andrew, whose poetic attempts have inspired me to make some of my own.

Poker Totals

Here are the totals for Poker, as of the last time we played. Each total is the net amount gained (or lost), taking into account the payout for each game. The percent return shows the average percent return each player has earned overall. The list is in descending order of wealth.

First Name	Balance	% Return
William	$ 9,347.00	194%
Chad	$ 5,906.00	377%
Chris	$ 5,247.00	248%
Corrine	$ 1,414.00	114%
Bronwyn	$ 1,136.00	120%
Kiren	$ (289.00)	86%
John	$ (326.00)	85%
Nelson	$ (760.00)	64%
Kayla	$ (830.00)	61%
Dave	$ (1,322.00)	63%
Jessica	$ (1,336.00)	6%
Mackenzie	$ (1,420.00)	0%
Claire	$ (2,130.00)	0%
Joey	$ (2,130.00)	0%
Brian	$ (2,394.00)	58%
Shelli	$ (2,737.00)	23%
Kevin	$ (3,064.00)	46%
Cassie	$ (3,456.00)	3%

If you would like to see how these numbers are calculated, you can download the current Excel spreadsheet here.

Debt Elimination Update

So I've already updated the Debt Elimination Calculator (and yes, I do realize it has only been a couple hours). The new version is version 2.2.1 and can be downloaded here or from the original post (the links in each point to the same file).

Features added for version 2.2.1:

• The spreadsheet now calculates the information (time required to pay off, interest paid, etc.) when paying at the minimum payments only, for comparison purposes. This functionality had been removed in version 2.0.0.
• The minimum payment calculators are more robust to inadequate minimum payments.
• Some slight formatting modifications have been made.
• Added functionality for sending feedback/asking questions via email.
  

Also, another interesting note on debt elimination. I was just told by a friend that you can make payments in advance. Let me explain. If your minimum payment is $50 and you pay $100, you have made a bigger dent in you balance, but the minimum payment of $50 still comes due next month. Alternatively, you can make two payments of $50: one labeled for this month and one for next month. Then you have still paid $100 dollars and have the same benefits of less interest accruing, but the next payment to come due is in two months instead of one.

When using debt elimination you usually are paying more than the minimum payment. If you use this method each month you have the added advantage of an ever increasing buffer between you and when your next payment is due. There is more bookkeeping required on your end, but you have an extra margin of safety in case something happens. (Though, if you stop paying because you aren't required to then you not only lose the advantage of the buffer, but also lose ground on your debt elimination. So if you're going to do this you have to be very disciplined.)

Special thanks to Dave for this insight.

Budgeting & Debt Elimination

I taught combined Priesthood and Relief Society a week ago on budgeting and debt elimination. I've had a number of requests for my budget template and debt elimination calculator. So I decided to put all of the materials here.

Here are the two handouts that were used in class. I wrote the first one and it goes over the debt elimination process and the steps for starting a budget. The second one is the pamphlet put out by the Church, One for the Money, talking about family finances.

(Click on the images to download)

Here is the debt elimination calculator I created. It has the capacity for 10 debts. You fill in the blue information for each debt in the order you want to prioritize them, along with the amount you can allot toward paying off your debts each month. It then calculates when you will pay off each, how much interest you will pay on each, and the payments that are required each month.

(Click on the image to download)

And finally, here is my budget template. It is the method that I use for budgeting. I've used it for years. Though it has undergone some fairly substantial revisions throughout the process, the principles have remained the same.

(Click on the image to download)

I hope to post some further explanation about how to use the two spreadsheets. I think that the budget spreadsheet especially needs explanation. It is not difficult once you get the idea, but to take advantage of all its coolness a little explanation is necessary. For now, feel free to let me know if you have questions—I'd be happy to explain it to you.

I will update and modify both of the spreadsheets above over time. In fact, both have been modified since I taught the class a week ago. As I revise them I will update these links, so the most up-to-date versions will always be found here. Also, for further updates click on the Budgeting category at the right to see all of my future posts about the topic (this one is the first).

Update: There seems to be some difficulty with the way that some versions of Internet Explorer behave when trying to download the above files. The files are Excel files (they are not zip files). If your computer tries to download it as a zip file then try the following: right click on the link, click Save Target As ..., and name the file <something>.xlsx somewhere you'll be able to find it. That should bypass the problem. As always, if you have trouble then let me know.

Drag Racing

I went to a drag race for the first time last Friday. It was surprisingly fun, in large part because of who I was with: Dave, Andrew, and Janelle.

It was in many ways precisely how I expected it to be: loud, smokey, smelly, and monotonous. Even with all of that, though, it was really quite fun. I definitely like the drifting best, especially when they went two at a time. I think it'd be really fun to try it, though I'd want to use someone else's car. And I probably wouldn't want spectators for my first time. I was kind of disappointed that none of the cars ran into the concrete wall, rolled, or smashed into each other. Maybe next time.

I'm not sure how well we blended into the crowd. We probably pored over the program a little bit much trying to figure out the lingo and if anyone heard snatches of our conversation they probably would have found it pretty humorous:

"That's a Camaro, right?"
[Agreement from everyone else.]
Announcer: " ... driving a Corvette."

"I think 'red lighting' means they start before the light turns green. When they do that the red light turns on."

After being there an hour:
"Hey, I figured out why they call it the Maverick Lane and the Jacket Lane. It's because it says 'Maverick' and 'Jack-It' above the lanes."

After being there over an hour and a half:
"Oh, that's their speed showing up on the display."

"I wish someone would run into the concrete wall."
"Ya, that's the only reason I've been watching."

Announcer: "How many Ford fans do we have?"
One of us: "YAAAAA!!"
Announcer: "And how many Chevy fans do we have?"
The same one of us: "YAAAAA!!"

"I had no idea this thing took video!"

Some of these were pretty profound observations for the rest of us at the time. Maybe it was a good thing it was so loud, so we could keep these profound insights to ourselves. I did grow a beard for the occasion so I could blend in better. I think that helped a lot.

I have to admit I did kind of feel like a woose because I had earplugs in during a lot of it. I don't think I saw anyone else with earplugs the whole time, other than me and my friends. It was a whole lot more comfortable wearing them, though. And being able to hear people talking at a normal volume afterward was also a definite perk.

I didn't think to take a camera; fortunately my friends did. Dave's got pictures and videos posted on his blog. I think Andrew and Janelle's will be forthcoming.

Update: Janelle has posted some pictures and videos, too. They turned out really good.

Bold and Italics in Google Chat

I just learned something really cool about Google Chat: you can make things bold or italic. I've wanted to do that so many times:

This text is *bold* => This text is bold
This text is _in italics_ => This text is in italics
This text is -struck out-. => This text is struck out.
This is _italicized *and_ bold* => This is italicized and bold

This is seriously one of the coolest things I've learned all week.

Update: Apparently this same thing works in Facebook, too.