Arbitrary, Abstract Thoughts: Microsoft Excel for Poets

A few days ago Dave, Andrew, Janelle and I were discussing books that we would each be inclined and/or qualified to write. In light of my recent adventures with poetry, Andrew observed that I was uniquely poised to write the reference book Microsoft Excel for Poets. I'm sure such a book has not previously been written. I think it could be an invaluable reference for the poetically inclined, so today I commenced writing. Here's what I've got so far:

Introduction

‘Tis the purpose of this unusual book
The magnificence of Excel to teach,
So that things which for thee a long time took
Henceforth a little time instead might take.

The aud’ence for whom this book is intent
Shall be whosoever finds that prose be dull.
For to assuage the pain and dread of learning
The lessons be writ with words so soothing.

Excel is quite a powerful program,
With nuances and features quite a few.
Some time it will take to master it quite;
With patience born thou wilt betimes learn’t all.

I prithee go slow to master each verse:
Rush thee too quick and frustrated thou’lt be.
Each section read, then pause thee short betwixt
Forthwith to practice all that thou hast learnt.

But soft give heed: Excel can be quite fun.
Fain be not lachrymose in study then—
Instead forsooth enjoy the time thus spent.
Good fortune have thee on thy journey hence.

Chapter 1: Navigating Excel

...

Chapter 3: Functions

Fore now we've focused on navigation
To get a feel of moving ‘round Excel.
Then formatting of cells did take our focus—
On these two topics did we perorate.

Thus in former twain chapters did we stay
Alee of complexity but also puissance.
Now don’t be affrighted for we did lay
Foundations upon which to build henceforth.

Now turn we to matters of import amain:
The structure and usage of functions galore.
Of true power and substance we’ll verily speak
For striving herein t’will bring thee great meed.

To commence most simply we’ll learn how to add,
So find thee a cell with nothing therein
And pick thee two numbers thou will to sum—
Then watch with great awe as Excel doth work.

An equals type thee, then one number meet,
A plus put thee in, then t’other number lief.
Press enter and view th’answer forthwith;
Display there it shall, whosoever wilt look.

For sooth ifsoever thy numbers be changed,
Adjust t’will the answer also straightway.
See computers read this language thou spake
So answers it when thou typest it in.

More functions we have henceforth to explore
For only the surface we’ve scratched hereon.
Now pause thee short, to practice here a mite
And then shalt thou try subtracting alike.

...